The Tomb of the Crypto King

[Raymond]

Hi all. This is a new short story in the universe of the novel I have written. Here's hoping you find it enjoyable.

Kind Regards,

Raymond

[KatWolf]

Hi Raymond,

Thanks for the read. I love the world building in this, very dark, which you've drawn really well.

I think you need to work on your craft a little more, ie, sentence structure - there are opportunities to tighten the action by using more active voice rather than passive; the whole showing not telling thing - there are opportunities to show the emotion of a character rather than just saying they were excited, or I was happy etc.

Also, just watch those repeated words. I find it helps to read it out loud. Do a search for the word 'now', and see if you can take some of those out.

You've got some fantastic ideas in this, and with a little more refinement it will really shine.

Looking forward to chatting with you tomorrow,

Katherine

[DazWizzle]

My notes, sorry I dont have many, it was quite good

[Raymond]

Thanks to you both for your comments. Looking forward to meeting you soon.

Regards,

Raymond

[KaneW]

Hi Raymond,

First off, great title.

I enjoyed the intrigue, action and twists. Nice one.

Certain lines really drew me in, e.g., “Something came out and tore the team to pieces”.

The description of the brain of the host’s recently deceased guard dog was done well.

A few ideas for possible improvement:
1) The first line is interesting, but can you make it shorter and punchier?
2) The first A4 page is over 90% dialogue. I wonder if you can introduce the world and characters a little more? And instead of them sitting and talking (which is static), perhaps they could be doing something more active?
3) When you first said “bulb” I pictured a light bulb (which it clearly isn’t!). I wonder if you can describe it more?
4) Some phrases were unusual in POV and/or tense, e.g., “Danik, I called myself, sometimes also known as the sniffer of corpses, was no longer angry.”
5) Some sentences could be shorter and more polished, e.g., “As we walked across a field of grey weeds, Mokip treading gingerly ahead, my team wary of Ava, following behind, I listened to Ava, many times I wanted to ask a question, never thinking there was a good opportunity. ”

Speak soon.

Cheers, Kane

[Raymond]

Thanks Kane. Great to meet you. These are are really great points that I will bear in mind for my 2nd draft. Cheers