Hi Everyone,
Please find attached just over 7000 words of my Novel Obsidian Glaze.
Looking forward to your thoughts.
Regards,
Ray
Obsidian Glaze
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Raymond
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 10:33 am
Obsidian Glaze
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KaneW
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 12:54 pm
Re: Obsidian Glaze
Hi Raymond,
Some great concepts and some cool lines!
I wonder if the start may be stronger if we met Caleb earlier (instead of the bottom of the second page of text). The first two pages are world building. It's an author and style choice, but I'd prefer more character and less world-building to start with.
I missed Caleb when we jumped so far into the future in chapter 2, but was glad to see him back in chapter 5. That did make me wonder about the order of the chapters.
Look forward to discussing further next week.
Cheers, Kane
Some great concepts and some cool lines!
I wonder if the start may be stronger if we met Caleb earlier (instead of the bottom of the second page of text). The first two pages are world building. It's an author and style choice, but I'd prefer more character and less world-building to start with.
I missed Caleb when we jumped so far into the future in chapter 2, but was glad to see him back in chapter 5. That did make me wonder about the order of the chapters.
Look forward to discussing further next week.
Cheers, Kane
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Raymond
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 10:33 am
Re: Obsidian Glaze
It appears I left some comments on. Might want to turn them off 
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DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
Re: Obsidian Glaze
Hi Raymond,
I enjoyed the concept and what was going on here. The start gave me Interstellar or Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy vibes. My biggest issues at the moment were the jumping between characters. It took me a bit to work out who was who and what and where everyone was in the timeline. I agree with Kane, I would have liked to see some more character building in the beginning. Depending on how you want to do it, you could probably work it in with the world building. I feel that is important to maintain what you have though because it sets the scene.
I enjoyed the concept and what was going on here. The start gave me Interstellar or Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy vibes. My biggest issues at the moment were the jumping between characters. It took me a bit to work out who was who and what and where everyone was in the timeline. I agree with Kane, I would have liked to see some more character building in the beginning. Depending on how you want to do it, you could probably work it in with the world building. I feel that is important to maintain what you have though because it sets the scene.
Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: Obsidian Glaze
Hi Raymond,
- I enjoyed and was intrigued by the first chapters. LIking the food-based narrative you've established.
- Agreed with others about the first chapter. Also re: the narrator's voice in this ch. and some others - who is it? Historian? Character? Or omniscient narrator?
- Also agreed with Darren re: the strong flavour of Hitchhiker's Guide! Not a bad thing, to be inspired by the greats and pay homage to them
- Love the working title, definitely a drawcard.
- Caleb - intrigued by him & his community, want to know more, and nice tension set up with sudden translocation/disappointed co-planetarians/new governance. But Calvinists are pacifists so the gun is an aberration. Loved the one-phrase Bible remnant!
- Barry - is a 2D type currently, not a likeable one either. The mystery that kept me reading is what is happening with him? And why he is not really reacting to it all.
- Lucia - most relatable, and nice dilemma with Else guest visit impending. A clash of eating cultures is established. "fuck" - if Lucia is descended from remnant Calvinists, this is likely not in her vocabulary.
- p.15/16 - careful with what might seem misogynistic re: lonely housewife stereotype - unless your narrator is from the 1960s?
- Some wry humour moments, enjoyed reading these.
- Looking forward to reading more!
Bron
- I enjoyed and was intrigued by the first chapters. LIking the food-based narrative you've established.
- Agreed with others about the first chapter. Also re: the narrator's voice in this ch. and some others - who is it? Historian? Character? Or omniscient narrator?
- Also agreed with Darren re: the strong flavour of Hitchhiker's Guide! Not a bad thing, to be inspired by the greats and pay homage to them
- Love the working title, definitely a drawcard.
- Caleb - intrigued by him & his community, want to know more, and nice tension set up with sudden translocation/disappointed co-planetarians/new governance. But Calvinists are pacifists so the gun is an aberration. Loved the one-phrase Bible remnant!
- Barry - is a 2D type currently, not a likeable one either. The mystery that kept me reading is what is happening with him? And why he is not really reacting to it all.
- Lucia - most relatable, and nice dilemma with Else guest visit impending. A clash of eating cultures is established. "fuck" - if Lucia is descended from remnant Calvinists, this is likely not in her vocabulary.
- p.15/16 - careful with what might seem misogynistic re: lonely housewife stereotype - unless your narrator is from the 1960s?
- Some wry humour moments, enjoyed reading these.
- Looking forward to reading more!
Bron
