Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 9-12.5
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DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 9-12.5
Chapters 9 to 12.5
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Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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ACC
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Mon 05 Jun, 2023 4:58 pm
Re: Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 9-12.5
Hello Darren, I've attached my crit for your perusal. If you have any questions feel free to reach out.
Ana
Ana
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 9-12.5
Hi Darren,
Thanks for an enjoyable conversation yesterday, and here’s my feedback in writing.
I read a blog from a Curtis Brown editor recently who thinks writers should use “said” rather than other verbs for speech almost exclusively. I am not 100% convinced of this rule, but it did come to mind when I read “Leo stated” on p.1. I forgot to mention this yesterday so just flagging it now. Might be a useful talking point next time - as I said, I’m ambivalent and would be interested in what the group thinks.
There is a growing sense of fear about Leo and Kari being trapped in Ross’s head – you’ve created a couple of panic points in this section which work that well – counterpointed by Leo’s seeming flippancy.
I liked the blank face and Leo drawing on it. It’s fitting with his inappropriate playfulness in the setting of someone’s impending death.
I liked the horse therapy – a slice of present day reality.
I mentioned the rainbow badge reference, i.e. how, not ever being a Pokemon player, I drew different connotations from that – unicorns prefer virgins(?), rainbow indicating LGBTQIA+.
The detail about there being no semi/circles on the basketball court was intriguing.
I got a bit confused about Jack and Kari going out for a smoke during a crucial time with Ross potentially about to die with Leo still in his memories.
Liked the Children of Men reference (I loved that film too) – but it may not be obvious to readers who don’t know the film why this is relevant to Ross and Elena. Also like the character detail about Kari not enjoying spoilers. I think you meant “Theo living pretty selfless life”, not Leo??
Julia was talking about questioned ethics of company in front of Julia, a non-company person, again. I understand things are slipping because it’s now late at night and everyone’s wired and tired. Perhaps mention that in some way?
The creepy turn with Leo and something in Kari’s teeth was well-played, and Kari escaping to the car for a break from his relentless goofiness was understandable. I would like the smell of the dead kangaroo to be described in more detail – it is still fresh so it won’t be a rotting smell.
It was helpful to have Kari explain more of the dying memory process to Julia.
Printed obituaries – we discussed the anachronism in Leo and Kari’s time – needs to be clear they are talking about the time when Elena died.
This section ended with Ross about to tell them something important - anticipating what comes next!
Bron
Thanks for an enjoyable conversation yesterday, and here’s my feedback in writing.
I read a blog from a Curtis Brown editor recently who thinks writers should use “said” rather than other verbs for speech almost exclusively. I am not 100% convinced of this rule, but it did come to mind when I read “Leo stated” on p.1. I forgot to mention this yesterday so just flagging it now. Might be a useful talking point next time - as I said, I’m ambivalent and would be interested in what the group thinks.
There is a growing sense of fear about Leo and Kari being trapped in Ross’s head – you’ve created a couple of panic points in this section which work that well – counterpointed by Leo’s seeming flippancy.
I liked the blank face and Leo drawing on it. It’s fitting with his inappropriate playfulness in the setting of someone’s impending death.
I liked the horse therapy – a slice of present day reality.
I mentioned the rainbow badge reference, i.e. how, not ever being a Pokemon player, I drew different connotations from that – unicorns prefer virgins(?), rainbow indicating LGBTQIA+.
The detail about there being no semi/circles on the basketball court was intriguing.
I got a bit confused about Jack and Kari going out for a smoke during a crucial time with Ross potentially about to die with Leo still in his memories.
Liked the Children of Men reference (I loved that film too) – but it may not be obvious to readers who don’t know the film why this is relevant to Ross and Elena. Also like the character detail about Kari not enjoying spoilers. I think you meant “Theo living pretty selfless life”, not Leo??
Julia was talking about questioned ethics of company in front of Julia, a non-company person, again. I understand things are slipping because it’s now late at night and everyone’s wired and tired. Perhaps mention that in some way?
The creepy turn with Leo and something in Kari’s teeth was well-played, and Kari escaping to the car for a break from his relentless goofiness was understandable. I would like the smell of the dead kangaroo to be described in more detail – it is still fresh so it won’t be a rotting smell.
It was helpful to have Kari explain more of the dying memory process to Julia.
Printed obituaries – we discussed the anachronism in Leo and Kari’s time – needs to be clear they are talking about the time when Elena died.
This section ended with Ross about to tell them something important - anticipating what comes next!
Bron