Darren wrote: Ive updated the post and added your words into a document.
Broken Wings - chapter 1 to 3
-
ACC
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Mon 05 Jun, 2023 4:58 pm
Broken Wings - chapter 1 to 3
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
-
DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
Re: Broken Wings - chapter 1 to 3
My notes, sorry for the delay.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
-
BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: Broken Wings - chapter 1 to 3
Hi Ana,
Thanks for posting your first instalment. I enjoyed reading it. I got a strong and true sense of the narrator’s voice, which was deeply unique with all her quirky ways of describing things and people to herself, and a feeling of a probable YA readership. Supernatural romance/mystery perhaps is your genre? To be revealed…
The dislocation/readjustment scenario is a really good one to start the narrative with, as it is an opportunity for 1/ the narrator to describe her environment with new eyes, and 2/ meet the other characters or feel nostalgia for ones not present. I wonder though whether you start the whole narrative with one of the italicised segments to set the supernatural/angel-world mysterious vibe.
Eeriness crept in from the word go. “Home of the Titans” juxtaposed with “No Mirage”, that weird eye thing that’s going on with all the high school kids, the italicised segments with immortal ?angels?, the ageless boy at the funeral and high school, Angelica’s strange questing for the narrator’s true name, are all setting up an other-worldliness about the place she now lives in.
Clearly a USA setting from first few paras with miles and feet and home town Chicago. Chalk on a blackboard is retro! What time did you have in mind?
How did Kaitlyn’s jeans jingle?
“He HAD changed his teeshirt…” perhaps? (p.8)
Love the portrayed friendship between narrator and Huge.
The love interest was well-established with the rope climbing vertigo scene. Amazed she clung on for that long... perhaps she is a real Amazon?!
Looking forward to reading more!
Bron
Thanks for posting your first instalment. I enjoyed reading it. I got a strong and true sense of the narrator’s voice, which was deeply unique with all her quirky ways of describing things and people to herself, and a feeling of a probable YA readership. Supernatural romance/mystery perhaps is your genre? To be revealed…
The dislocation/readjustment scenario is a really good one to start the narrative with, as it is an opportunity for 1/ the narrator to describe her environment with new eyes, and 2/ meet the other characters or feel nostalgia for ones not present. I wonder though whether you start the whole narrative with one of the italicised segments to set the supernatural/angel-world mysterious vibe.
Eeriness crept in from the word go. “Home of the Titans” juxtaposed with “No Mirage”, that weird eye thing that’s going on with all the high school kids, the italicised segments with immortal ?angels?, the ageless boy at the funeral and high school, Angelica’s strange questing for the narrator’s true name, are all setting up an other-worldliness about the place she now lives in.
Clearly a USA setting from first few paras with miles and feet and home town Chicago. Chalk on a blackboard is retro! What time did you have in mind?
How did Kaitlyn’s jeans jingle?
“He HAD changed his teeshirt…” perhaps? (p.8)
Love the portrayed friendship between narrator and Huge.
The love interest was well-established with the rope climbing vertigo scene. Amazed she clung on for that long... perhaps she is a real Amazon?!
Looking forward to reading more!
Bron
-
ACC
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Mon 05 Jun, 2023 4:58 pm
Re: Broken Wings - chapter 1 to 3
Thank you muchly for the time you took to read and comment. It is greatly appreciated
Ana
Ana