Hey guys,
Next two chapters, attached.
Darren
OoW - Chapters 3 and 4
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DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
OoW - Chapters 3 and 4
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Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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KaneW
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 12:54 pm
Re: OoW - Chapters 3 and 4
Awesome, Darren - this is such a great story. Initial comments as attached.
Speak soon.
Cheers, Kane
Speak soon.
Cheers, Kane
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: OoW - Chapters 3 and 4
Hi Darren,
You've pulled us further into the action with the next 2 chapters, which I enjoyed. Your scene setting and description of action continue to be strongly written. Some comments:
- The fall through the portal is a great chapter start, and Cora's concern for Avni as she falls on her while frozen is character-revealing.
- I did find it initially strange that Cora didn't have that concern when Avni got trapped by the flower vines, but as you say the flower nectar was working its magic, and I suppose Cora thought she had more power over those particular vines than she later realised.
- Lawrence hearing and following his name is intriguing and makes us as readers want to follow too.
- I thought it was perhaps too great a coincidence that they accidentally found themselves in the library of the gods, their planned destination, until you explained at the meeting that Lawrence is being led by Origin.
- Lawrence's whereabouts when he gets to the werewolf book were initially unclear, you could clarify a bit more that he's still in the same chamber as the flower vines and the others.
- I really liked the description of the book and L's interaction with it, and what happens after, this was engrossing.
Thanks Darren, looking forward to the next installments!
You've pulled us further into the action with the next 2 chapters, which I enjoyed. Your scene setting and description of action continue to be strongly written. Some comments:
- The fall through the portal is a great chapter start, and Cora's concern for Avni as she falls on her while frozen is character-revealing.
- I did find it initially strange that Cora didn't have that concern when Avni got trapped by the flower vines, but as you say the flower nectar was working its magic, and I suppose Cora thought she had more power over those particular vines than she later realised.
- Lawrence hearing and following his name is intriguing and makes us as readers want to follow too.
- I thought it was perhaps too great a coincidence that they accidentally found themselves in the library of the gods, their planned destination, until you explained at the meeting that Lawrence is being led by Origin.
- Lawrence's whereabouts when he gets to the werewolf book were initially unclear, you could clarify a bit more that he's still in the same chamber as the flower vines and the others.
- I really liked the description of the book and L's interaction with it, and what happens after, this was engrossing.
Thanks Darren, looking forward to the next installments!