Re-uploaded because of last month.
I haven't changed Anything Kane.
Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 6-8
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DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 6-8
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Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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Raymond
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 10:33 am
Re: Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 6-8
Hi Darren,
This is getting very interesting.
I think there are some heavy psychological themes here. The thought of some smart arse scientists wandering through a person's memories is quite horrifying. The idea that a moment can be corrupted is even worse.
Me personally, I really enjoy looking at it that way. AI implants development that can change a person's memory, seemed pretty far fetched even a few years ago. Not so much now.
Not sure this is what you are aiming for, but it gives me the creeps.
Excellent work.
Regards,
Ray
This is getting very interesting.
I think there are some heavy psychological themes here. The thought of some smart arse scientists wandering through a person's memories is quite horrifying. The idea that a moment can be corrupted is even worse.
Me personally, I really enjoy looking at it that way. AI implants development that can change a person's memory, seemed pretty far fetched even a few years ago. Not so much now.
Not sure this is what you are aiming for, but it gives me the creeps.
Excellent work.
Regards,
Ray
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: Sunrise over Machu Picchu - Chapter 6-8
Hi Darren,
Thanks for arranging the meeting today, I enjoyed it.
Here's the promised written feedback:
- Love your title, and intrigued by the premise.
- Leo's character seems more of a neuroscientist or technician than neurologist, which might explain the lack of 'bedside manner' and the clock-watching, being in a technical job where he is not just intensely busy all the time, and a profession that is perhaps not a 'calling' to him. But his manner is growing on me.
- The commissioner - unsure where he is from and what role he plays apart from a device to alert the reader to potential legal issues with their tech. Perhaps he is not necessary - could be an email or a news item or Keri telling Leo something, or a phone call from the other doctor they work with.
- Julia and Dillon need an intro when Leo and Keri arrive at the house, otherwise we are left wondering who they are.
- Leo is showing signs of a neurological issue - he is very clumsy and the gag reflex thing - intriguing.
- Love the small vignettes of the scenes around them, well-described.
- Unsure if they actually hit the kangaroo - would they try to find it if they did?
- Dillon's child-accent is a bit tiresome - just simple English for him would suffice.
- Scene where Leo and Keri try to get into the shed - couldn't they just walk through the wall?
- Dialogue is natural and flows well.
- I like the small details such as the audio copyrighted at the funeral.
- Some good echoes of the dementia state with the kitchen scene and the repetitive revisiting of some scenes.
- Sense of danger for Leo and Keri starting to be felt.
Hope that's helpful - and also hope I didn't offend with my comment about proofreading yesterday, that wasn't my intent, just wanted to say I can easily filter out any typos as I read now I know the situation, and in admiration of your productivity given the writing process presents significant obstacles in dyslexia.
Looking forward to reading more!
Bron
Thanks for arranging the meeting today, I enjoyed it.
Here's the promised written feedback:
- Love your title, and intrigued by the premise.
- Leo's character seems more of a neuroscientist or technician than neurologist, which might explain the lack of 'bedside manner' and the clock-watching, being in a technical job where he is not just intensely busy all the time, and a profession that is perhaps not a 'calling' to him. But his manner is growing on me.
- The commissioner - unsure where he is from and what role he plays apart from a device to alert the reader to potential legal issues with their tech. Perhaps he is not necessary - could be an email or a news item or Keri telling Leo something, or a phone call from the other doctor they work with.
- Julia and Dillon need an intro when Leo and Keri arrive at the house, otherwise we are left wondering who they are.
- Leo is showing signs of a neurological issue - he is very clumsy and the gag reflex thing - intriguing.
- Love the small vignettes of the scenes around them, well-described.
- Unsure if they actually hit the kangaroo - would they try to find it if they did?
- Dillon's child-accent is a bit tiresome - just simple English for him would suffice.
- Scene where Leo and Keri try to get into the shed - couldn't they just walk through the wall?
- Dialogue is natural and flows well.
- I like the small details such as the audio copyrighted at the funeral.
- Some good echoes of the dementia state with the kitchen scene and the repetitive revisiting of some scenes.
- Sense of danger for Leo and Keri starting to be felt.
Hope that's helpful - and also hope I didn't offend with my comment about proofreading yesterday, that wasn't my intent, just wanted to say I can easily filter out any typos as I read now I know the situation, and in admiration of your productivity given the writing process presents significant obstacles in dyslexia.
Looking forward to reading more!
Bron