Cora

[DazWizzle]

This is a bridging story I'm ghostwriting for someone, between two different books (The Sunshine project & Sunshine in Utica). The story is a sapphic sci-fi story.

For context, Cora was previously shrunk to 16inches tall for 3 weeks.
Allie and Jess have a shrink ray and a freeze ray that she inherited from her grandfather.
There is lots of sexual content but no sex scenes. I understand if that's a bit odd to read, and if you choose not too, thats okay.

Looking mainly for consistency, and if there are any areas that don't explain enough, or too much.

The story arc is

Cora, Jess's step cousin has a bet with Allie, Jess's partner that if Cora can get aroused enough, she would sleep with a woman.
Cora is a straight woman, 19years old and doesn't believe that Allie can pull the bet off, however Cora doesn't expect a third ray gun based on the gay bomb (real world for a moment, this actually existed as a US Airforce science experiment to temporally alter the minds of combatants on the filed to become so sexually infatuated with each-other they will be unable to continue fighting.) Cora looses the bet, but once the effects of the ray gun ware off, Cora is left with mental health issues relating to her sexuality and feelings towards other people.

[BeeMore]

Hi Darren,
I've attached some comments - hope they're helpful.
You can tell us more about the sapphic scifi genre at the meeting! I hadn't heard of it.
Cheers,
Bron

[KaneW]

Thanks, Darren.

Great to see more of your work - and very cool to see some of your ghostwriting this time!

Some awesome dialogue in there. And, an interesting story concept.

Please find my comments attached.

Speak soon.

Cheers, Kane

[RKaplan]

Hey Darren,
Apologies for the delay and thank you for sharing this snippet of a story.
First off, really unique and fun idea. Great characters and witty dialogue.
I really enjoyed the Allie vs Cora dynamic with Jess caught in the middle.
As I have not read either of the two connecting stories, there was quite a bit going on that I had trouble following, or understanding, such as: shrink rays, and freeze rays existing. Does everyone know they exist? Are there multiple ray guns? Does everyone have them? Can they only be used for sex? Are they dangerous?
I would suggest you focus on two things: Add in more introductory details that flesh out the situation we find ourselves in, it feels like Cora is doing a lot of talking about things and we are not experiencing much action. Moreover, you are underwriting when it comes to your characters and settings. It’s great to let us readers use our imaginations when it comes to some parts of the world, but I feel like there is a lack of details (I do understand that this is a bridging story, so the other stories could have some details; however, I’d like some descriptions).
Overall, I think what you have is a very intriguing world with great characters who all want something and I can’t wait to see who gets what.