Tupla 4

[BeeMore]

Hello all,
Sorry to post my next bit in Darren's comments, but I couldn't post in the greater forum for this Saturday otherwise.
I've decided to just post the Pisboi part of my novel as I may be dropping the Naomi part - still undecided.
Here's the next 10 pages.
Comments very welcome!
Bron

PS: Darren, I'll post a separate comment about your story when I've had a look at it - sounds interesting!
Are the two novels you refer to already published?

[DazWizzle]

Hi Bron,

You need more white space and paragraph breaks. The paragraphs were very long.

See you tomorrow

[KaneW]

Hi Bron,

Some wonderful phrases and interesting developments!

Please find my comments attached.

Speak soon.

Cheers, Kane

[RKaplan]

Hi Bron,
Apologies for the delay. It was a crazy December for me and then went on a trip with zero connection to the internet, or time to read.
I think you made the right choice dropping the Naomi part of your story even though the intersecting storylines was an interesting idea, the Pisboi story is far superior. Every description and exotic word adds to my enjoyment. The pace is great and little pauses for examination (Pisboi thinking about the advantages of three eyes) work perfectly.
I had maybe three suggestions while reading these twelve pages as you’ve done a stellar job.
However, I do agree with Darren. You need more paragraphs and white space. Getting to a page that is a solid wall of text is a bit scary. Your story does a great job of flowing even with the lack of new paragraphs, but would look nicer with some more breaks.
Overall, bravo. I think you have a great story and I’m excited to step foot into Pisboi’s world again next month.

All the best and have a happy new year,
Rafe