Hi all,
The next part of my manuscript is attached.
Looking forward to seeing you at our meeting.
Thanks, Kane
PERILS OF THE PAST - pt(4?)
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KaneW
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Wed 04 Jan, 2023 12:54 pm
PERILS OF THE PAST - pt(4?)
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DazWizzle
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed 24 May, 2017 10:37 pm
Re: PERILS OF THE PAST - pt(4?)
Hi Kane,
My notes,
Darren
My notes,
Darren
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Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: PERILS OF THE PAST - pt(4?)
Hi Kane,
As discussed today, an engaging, interesting and very well-written segment. Some reactions:
- Loved Antarna reversing the swords in the armory, and the mental thread imagery.
- I got a bit confused with the tattooed words and freckle, while understanding the intent behind it, I had difficulty visualising in this bit.
- Daslercia has a history with an unclear significance to the story at this point, a bit more on this would be helpful.
- I liked the breakfast scene with the shaken acolytes, and the funeral scene was powerful. Some really interesting cultural b/g with the 4 peoples and their different rites, and the planting of the seed after the body is absorbed back into the goddess - lovely imagery and idea here. The teleport scene was visceral - great. Crater scene is described well too, including the family memorial where we learn about Antarna's connection to royalty.
- The senior priest's deferral to Antarna regarding the gem is a strange reversal of roles, and the hints about her parentage grow the suspicion that she's from an important family in the crater. The tension starts to build when her intent becomes clear.
- I like that she didn't want to lose her scars.
- 'would've' is a somewhat bulky contraction, you can use 'had' for better flow in parts.
- I didn't quite get the white vs grey robe significance, but it has been a while since I read the earlier chapters, so think it would be more clear read sequentially.
Well done, looking forward to reading more.
As discussed today, an engaging, interesting and very well-written segment. Some reactions:
- Loved Antarna reversing the swords in the armory, and the mental thread imagery.
- I got a bit confused with the tattooed words and freckle, while understanding the intent behind it, I had difficulty visualising in this bit.
- Daslercia has a history with an unclear significance to the story at this point, a bit more on this would be helpful.
- I liked the breakfast scene with the shaken acolytes, and the funeral scene was powerful. Some really interesting cultural b/g with the 4 peoples and their different rites, and the planting of the seed after the body is absorbed back into the goddess - lovely imagery and idea here. The teleport scene was visceral - great. Crater scene is described well too, including the family memorial where we learn about Antarna's connection to royalty.
- The senior priest's deferral to Antarna regarding the gem is a strange reversal of roles, and the hints about her parentage grow the suspicion that she's from an important family in the crater. The tension starts to build when her intent becomes clear.
- I like that she didn't want to lose her scars.
- 'would've' is a somewhat bulky contraction, you can use 'had' for better flow in parts.
- I didn't quite get the white vs grey robe significance, but it has been a while since I read the earlier chapters, so think it would be more clear read sequentially.
Well done, looking forward to reading more.