Hi all,
I've written a new prologue and first chapter for the slimmed down novel, do you think it is engaging enough?
There's also my ideas about other possible changes and alternate beginnings later in the text between Chs. 2 and 5.
Your thoughts on all this very welcome. The aim is to get the first 10,000 words as tight as possible, with a focus on a compelling opening. I think it might need more work as it stands.
Thanks,
Bron
Tupla new beginning
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BeeMore
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Tupla new beginning
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KaneW
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Re: Tupla new beginning
Thanks, Bron.
The start is probably the very hardest part of the novel (I must be on my 45th rewrite of chapter 1, after scrapping two prologues, and various earlier iterations of the starting time and location).
There are some incredibly cool parts here, but, yes, I think it could do with a bit more work. I've given some suggestions (for what they're worth) in the attached.
Chat soon!
Cheers, Kane
The start is probably the very hardest part of the novel (I must be on my 45th rewrite of chapter 1, after scrapping two prologues, and various earlier iterations of the starting time and location).
There are some incredibly cool parts here, but, yes, I think it could do with a bit more work. I've given some suggestions (for what they're worth) in the attached.
Chat soon!
Cheers, Kane
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
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DazWizzle
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Re: Tupla new beginning
Hi Bron,
I didnt have too many comments so I will just put them here.
The scene where its reveled they ate the mother after she passed still hits pretty hard. Theres quite the shock value to it. I think I said that last time. Its well written.
On page 8 you have Kaleb looked at Pisboi, then knelt down, dipping a hand in dipped a hand in and using the water to brush his big fuzz of hair away from his face.
Reads a little odd.
The only other thing that still has me a little off put is when this story is set. It feels like there is more of a western influence over time from the prologue to the now. I guess it does feel very pacific islands type of setting, but as if someone came, dumped a whole lot of technology and left again, and example of this was the old radio tower. Its a good setting and paints a good picture. It feels odd against the backdrop of the three hundred on an island who are still somewhat cannibalistic.
I think this is a really good start and keeps it all flowing as a separate book.
I didnt have too many comments so I will just put them here.
The scene where its reveled they ate the mother after she passed still hits pretty hard. Theres quite the shock value to it. I think I said that last time. Its well written.
On page 8 you have Kaleb looked at Pisboi, then knelt down, dipping a hand in dipped a hand in and using the water to brush his big fuzz of hair away from his face.
Reads a little odd.
The only other thing that still has me a little off put is when this story is set. It feels like there is more of a western influence over time from the prologue to the now. I guess it does feel very pacific islands type of setting, but as if someone came, dumped a whole lot of technology and left again, and example of this was the old radio tower. Its a good setting and paints a good picture. It feels odd against the backdrop of the three hundred on an island who are still somewhat cannibalistic.
I think this is a really good start and keeps it all flowing as a separate book.
Regards,
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
Darren
"The poop was me... Sorry. In my defence, I've never had the poop talk before" - Jaime
"I am no longer engaging in the mermaid poop conversation" - Karin
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BeeMore
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon 06 Mar, 2023 12:38 pm
Re: Tupla new beginning
Thanks tupla for your comments, all useful 
I am a little stuck as to how to communicate the difference between cannibalism (ie killing someone to eat them - this is not what happens in the novel) and mortuary feasting (this is the Three Hundred's practice). I suppose because both are completely alien to modern society except in the context of survival stories or Robert Louis Stevenson tales, the second is not widely understood. Maybe I don't need to worry too much, as it is contextualised later in the novel. You can tell me when we get there!
Bron
I am a little stuck as to how to communicate the difference between cannibalism (ie killing someone to eat them - this is not what happens in the novel) and mortuary feasting (this is the Three Hundred's practice). I suppose because both are completely alien to modern society except in the context of survival stories or Robert Louis Stevenson tales, the second is not widely understood. Maybe I don't need to worry too much, as it is contextualised later in the novel. You can tell me when we get there!
Bron